How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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