If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
