When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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