Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
