Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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