I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
