Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
