I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
