i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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