You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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