I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
