You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
