Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
