I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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