you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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