currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I didn't notice because vodka
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
