Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
