I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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