dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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