Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
