I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
