dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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