I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
