I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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