He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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