I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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