booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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