i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
