How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
