I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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