its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Your dad touched me again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
