why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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