So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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