ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
