After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
