I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
