Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
