There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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