I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
