you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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