We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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