I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In other news, I just burned my penis
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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