yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
