im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
