oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
