between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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