saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
