Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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