the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
