paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
