didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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