tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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