I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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