I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
